sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
