I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
