Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.