I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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