I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
