Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
