Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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