Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
