Ambien. No doubt about it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
