I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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