I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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