Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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