I wish I could punch you in the face.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
