I heard we made out
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
