A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She bit a glass in half.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
