My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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