is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
