Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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