yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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