soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
