can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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