I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
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Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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