Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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