I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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