if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
