I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
