I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
