I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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