dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
