That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
