Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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