Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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