3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I forget how to act sober
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