right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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