We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
