Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
