Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
