end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
