ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
