Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
