Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
