We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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