we're blogging at a bar
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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