I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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