Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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