Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sober January is a disaster.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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