my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
