god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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