Will you blow on my dice?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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