a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
