So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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