Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
