Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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