Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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