if you like me you must not know who I am
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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