I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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