I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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