Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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