I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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